Ok so I think my post yesterday came across a little anti-baby and I'm afraid my mom might read it and have a heart attack or something. So here is what I'm going to say on the topic.
1. I don't hate kids. I just don't want any of my own right now.
I think a lot of people have kids without thinking it through (see Teen Mom, Sixteen and Pregnant for references). They're people that for whatever reason: poor planning, the biological clock is a ticking, whatever, that don't think through the whole baby thing and then the baby arrives and surprise - I didn't know babies stayed up all night crying, I didn't know babies costs more money, etc. It's like they live in this dream world and when the bubble breaks its up to everyone else to clean up the pieces.
So here's my thoughts on when you should/shouldn't have kids:
1. When you're unselfish enough to give up things you love so they can do things they love. This is big for me. Children, like dogs, have their own likes and dislikes. I can't force C to do things she doesn't want to do and it's not fair to her to lock her up 6 days a week so I can play with her for an hour on the 7th because it suits my schedule. A baby/child is the same way. This is a living breathing human being with their own needs, likes, dislikes, etc. You can't just keep running around doing exactly what you want to do with no thought to what they want to do. You have to sit through boring dance recitals and help them learn the Declaration of Independence. So if you have any ounce of selfishness still left - I don't think now is the time.
I know some people are going to argue that you'll change but most people I know don't change so....
2. You have money. My dad always says if you wait until you can afford it you'll never have kids. Yes, that's true. BUT if you're strapped for cash and don't know where your next meal is coming from then maybe you should wait a year or two to get back on your feet, save up some money. Come on, a year or two won't kill you and you'll probably be glad you waited. You'll be able to enjoy the baby more and stress about finances less.
3. You have to really want one, not do it because it's the "next step." I talked a lot about the plan yesterday. And I think a lot of couples think there are natural steps to a relationship. You meet. You date. You get engaged. You get married. You buy a house. Now what? I need a big life event that I can tell all my friends about.... oh I know let's have a baby. Stupid reason. If you're not ready a baby is not the next step for you at this point.
4. All your friends are doing. Great reason. And if all your friend's jumped off a bridge - would you? Don't let them peer pressure you into baby fever. Ask yourself - are you wanting a baby because holding theirs for two hours is super cute and fun and you can go to Mommy and Me classes together or do you want one because you really want.
5. You both want to take the baby plunge. I don't believe in tricking someone into have kids. You're going to end up with a resentful partner. So make sure - are you both on the same page.
There are probably more reasons but I don't have time right now. My main point is no one else can decide for you when is the right time. And they shouldn't peer pressure you into it because of some clock they have in their head. It's not that I hate kids. I'm realistic enough to know at this point in my life they don't make sense for me.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
The Plan - Are you a follower or do you do you do your own thing?
Can I tell you something that annoys me the most? People asking about your relationship and not in a caring how are things going way but in a nosy next door neighbor way.
It never ends. When you're dating you're going to get the question - when are you getting engaged. When you're engaged - its when are you getting married. When you're married - it's when are you having kids. When you have a baby - it's when are you having more kids. Back the F off people.
Here's how the plan goes: Boy and Girl go to college. They meet at college or shortly there after. They both have successful jobs, nice places to live, lots of money, lots of friends. Shortly after dating (let's say 6 to 12 months) they're engaged. They quickly plan a wedding (within a year) and are married. They go on a fabulous honeymoon. They sell their bachelor pads and buy a house in the 'burbs with a picket fence and dog. Six months after they get married they happily announce with ultrasound photos or a Facebook post that they're expecting. They are quickly on their way to the 2.5 kids in no time.
Writing your own story is more of a chose your own adventure - you may or may not go to college, you may or may not meet "the one" right away, you may or may not get married, you may or may have kids.
People get very nervous if you don't follow the plan. They start to ask you questions. I've come up with a few reasons why they harass you... um I meant...ask you:
1. They're your close friends and family and generally care. These people if they ask constantly are still incredibly annoying.
2. They are just nosy as hell and want to know what you're doing so they can gossip to everyone else they know about you.
3. They want to feel better about their own choices.
I've timed it, you can date about a year maybe two (a little longer if you're in school) before people will ask when are you getting married. If you go longer than about four they're probably going to give up on you or ask with hints of desperation - "don't you want to get married?" Once you're engaged, if you don't set a date and start whipping out bridal magazines every chance you get - you're probably going to get "well when are you going to set the date." And once you're married you have about six months to a year before you will get "when are you having kids".
I've fallen safely into all three categories. Why? Because K and I choose the adventure path. We don't follow the plan of relationships. In our defense we met in college, our first years dating we were in school, living with parents, starting out etc. There are people from our graduating class who have already been married and divorced in the time it took us to get married. Now that we're married we're in no rush (REPEAT NO RUSH) to have kids. I have a four legged child (C) and there are nights I'm ready to give her back (love you C).
I was asked twice this weekend if I was having kids. I basically take this as "are you having unprotected sex?" It's just as nosy. If I could say anything I would answer with the following:
1. Smile happily and reply, "We're not having kids. As in ever. We hate them. They're like slobbery monsters that wreck your house, steal your money and you can never have fun again."
2. Break down crying. "We tried but we can't."
3. "I'm waiting until my twenty year supply of birth control pills runs out... wouldn't want to waste money."
4. "Why are you going to pay for them to go to college because I sure as hell can't afford it?"
5. "Thanks for reminding me. I knew there was something I forgot to do this year."
6. "Not anytime soon. So how's your sex life?"
7. "I've been watching so much Sixteen and Pregnant I think it's better to wait until I can afford it, am more prepared and not loving MTV shows about pregnant teens."
8. "Could you explain the birds and the bees to me... I think we're doing something wrong."
I'm sure I could think of other great comebacks but it's been a long day.
I think it's ridiculous that I got asked that question twice in one weekend. I know it was Valentine's Day and people are thinking love but I personally don't think of love and screaming infants in the same sentence. My biological clock is on snooze at the moment and is perfectly content living my kid-free selfish life.
So I don't want this to come across as me hating kids. I don't hate them. They're perfectly fine when they're someone else's. I'm sure eventually I'll want kids. But I don't like getting asked all the time about what we want to do. I felt the same way about the marriage question. It was just as annoying. Just as nosy. I finally started saying, we're committed but we're not planning anything yet. Or the defense teen approach - I don't know. I wasn't pushing for a ring. I was happy. What we had was working for us. Our adventure said not yet...
The thing with the kid question - I get it a lot more in the South then I ever did living up North. They were talking about the Baby question on Cosmo one day and they said they thought it was a regional thing. In NYC it's nothing for a first time mom to be in her late thirties, the girls proclaimed. In TX, she's probably considered an old maid and dried up by 25 if she's single and childless. I'm not going to say everywhere down South or in the Mid-West is pushing their daughters into a MRS degree. But I will say culturally small towns are probably more accepting of younger moms.
So here is my final thought. I know this is a long post. Have some tactic people. There are ways to ask the question. If you don't know the person a simple - "oh are you married yet? do you have kids?" will suffice. If you know them and you're just dying to know - it's ok to ask once or maybe twice.... but time it right - say you're watching a commericial with babies in it, a baby walks by, you see an engagement ring, you're at a wedding, etc. And if you ask and the person snaps back at you to mind your own business you can't be upset. The question is kind of nosy.
It never ends. When you're dating you're going to get the question - when are you getting engaged. When you're engaged - its when are you getting married. When you're married - it's when are you having kids. When you have a baby - it's when are you having more kids. Back the F off people.
Here's how the plan goes: Boy and Girl go to college. They meet at college or shortly there after. They both have successful jobs, nice places to live, lots of money, lots of friends. Shortly after dating (let's say 6 to 12 months) they're engaged. They quickly plan a wedding (within a year) and are married. They go on a fabulous honeymoon. They sell their bachelor pads and buy a house in the 'burbs with a picket fence and dog. Six months after they get married they happily announce with ultrasound photos or a Facebook post that they're expecting. They are quickly on their way to the 2.5 kids in no time.
Writing your own story is more of a chose your own adventure - you may or may not go to college, you may or may not meet "the one" right away, you may or may not get married, you may or may have kids.
People get very nervous if you don't follow the plan. They start to ask you questions. I've come up with a few reasons why they harass you... um I meant...ask you:
1. They're your close friends and family and generally care. These people if they ask constantly are still incredibly annoying.
2. They are just nosy as hell and want to know what you're doing so they can gossip to everyone else they know about you.
3. They want to feel better about their own choices.
I've timed it, you can date about a year maybe two (a little longer if you're in school) before people will ask when are you getting married. If you go longer than about four they're probably going to give up on you or ask with hints of desperation - "don't you want to get married?" Once you're engaged, if you don't set a date and start whipping out bridal magazines every chance you get - you're probably going to get "well when are you going to set the date." And once you're married you have about six months to a year before you will get "when are you having kids".
I've fallen safely into all three categories. Why? Because K and I choose the adventure path. We don't follow the plan of relationships. In our defense we met in college, our first years dating we were in school, living with parents, starting out etc. There are people from our graduating class who have already been married and divorced in the time it took us to get married. Now that we're married we're in no rush (REPEAT NO RUSH) to have kids. I have a four legged child (C) and there are nights I'm ready to give her back (love you C).
I was asked twice this weekend if I was having kids. I basically take this as "are you having unprotected sex?" It's just as nosy. If I could say anything I would answer with the following:
1. Smile happily and reply, "We're not having kids. As in ever. We hate them. They're like slobbery monsters that wreck your house, steal your money and you can never have fun again."
2. Break down crying. "We tried but we can't."
3. "I'm waiting until my twenty year supply of birth control pills runs out... wouldn't want to waste money."
4. "Why are you going to pay for them to go to college because I sure as hell can't afford it?"
5. "Thanks for reminding me. I knew there was something I forgot to do this year."
6. "Not anytime soon. So how's your sex life?"
7. "I've been watching so much Sixteen and Pregnant I think it's better to wait until I can afford it, am more prepared and not loving MTV shows about pregnant teens."
8. "Could you explain the birds and the bees to me... I think we're doing something wrong."
I'm sure I could think of other great comebacks but it's been a long day.
I think it's ridiculous that I got asked that question twice in one weekend. I know it was Valentine's Day and people are thinking love but I personally don't think of love and screaming infants in the same sentence. My biological clock is on snooze at the moment and is perfectly content living my kid-free selfish life.
So I don't want this to come across as me hating kids. I don't hate them. They're perfectly fine when they're someone else's. I'm sure eventually I'll want kids. But I don't like getting asked all the time about what we want to do. I felt the same way about the marriage question. It was just as annoying. Just as nosy. I finally started saying, we're committed but we're not planning anything yet. Or the defense teen approach - I don't know. I wasn't pushing for a ring. I was happy. What we had was working for us. Our adventure said not yet...
The thing with the kid question - I get it a lot more in the South then I ever did living up North. They were talking about the Baby question on Cosmo one day and they said they thought it was a regional thing. In NYC it's nothing for a first time mom to be in her late thirties, the girls proclaimed. In TX, she's probably considered an old maid and dried up by 25 if she's single and childless. I'm not going to say everywhere down South or in the Mid-West is pushing their daughters into a MRS degree. But I will say culturally small towns are probably more accepting of younger moms.
So here is my final thought. I know this is a long post. Have some tactic people. There are ways to ask the question. If you don't know the person a simple - "oh are you married yet? do you have kids?" will suffice. If you know them and you're just dying to know - it's ok to ask once or maybe twice.... but time it right - say you're watching a commericial with babies in it, a baby walks by, you see an engagement ring, you're at a wedding, etc. And if you ask and the person snaps back at you to mind your own business you can't be upset. The question is kind of nosy.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
In Honor of V-Day Lets Talk About Love
Let's talk about love. Why shouldn't we? Today is the day when it is perfectly acceptable to walk around like a bunch of lovestruck teenagers. You can tell your significant other you love them every other second and they won't think you're trying to hit them up for a favor. And you can pig out on all the yummy food and desserts you want because Valentine's Day is technically a holiday.
There are a lot of advice books and magazines out there all aimed at getting and keeping a mate (I say mate here because we're talking men or women but going forward we're going from my POV so we're saying bf). So here are my "rules" for dating and staying in love.
1. Be yourself. You're fabulous so why would you ever pretend to be anything different. The thing is you can pretend to be someone else but after awhile he's going to catch on. So don't lie and say you're a huge baseball fan when really the thought of going to a game bores you to tears and don't say you never shop when the mall employees know you by name. Be yourself and if he doesn't like you then he wasn't Mr. Right.
2. Be yourself but monitor yourself. What? I thought you just said I'm supposed to be myself in all my fabulous glory. Well, you are... sorta. Here's the thing - there is no reason on the first date or the first month to mention that you once were in a fan club for any TV show, that you don't floss your teeth daily, or that there are some days where you are perfectly content never to get dressed. Be yourself but don't announce all your crazy idiosyncrasies right away. He'll figure most of your quirks out eventually and you don't want to be dubbed the crazy cat woman of Match.com.
3. Don't be too busy. What? All the women's magazines proclaim you should make him work for it. You should prove how popular and fabulous you are by never being available. Sure and then he's going to dump your ass for a girl that has more time for him. One thing that has stood out to me on this subject is something K said a year into us dating. When we first met I was super busy, it was my second semester at college, I was in a few clubs, I was constantly doing things. I decided to drop one of the clubs (not because of him but other reasons) shortly after we started dating. Anyway... he said "I'm glad you dropped that club. I never would have asked you to but I felt like you never had time to do anything and it was frustrating." Guys want a chase but they don't want to chase forever. Slow down a bit. You don't need to see your bff every day of the week, you don't need to be involved in every activity that comes your way - learn to say no to everyone else and yes to him. This doesn't mean give up everything you love, just give up the things you only sort of care about.
4. Keep separate likes and dislikes. K loves sports. I like them more than I used to but sports and I have a happy tolerance level of I'll go to a few games a year and the rest of the time he can happily watch alone or with friends. I like to write and read. K probably hasn't read a book since college. Be your own person. You don't have to do everything together. I know in 3 I said not to be too busy but 4 is be busy enough. You won't have anything to talk about if you sit around and watch CSI together three days a week. So find that happy balance that only the two of you will know. It probably means some relationships and activities will suffer but the ones you really care about will stick around.
5. Don't play games. This is so super huge I don't know when girls and guys will learn. Games are for little kids not for adults. If you really like someone there is no three day rule to prove you're fabulous girl/guy about town with a life, there's no I can't call him this time because I called him last... There are no games because your relationship is more important than who can one-up the other person.
6. Make time to just talk. This is also a biggie for me. K and I pretty much launched our relationship long distance and every night without fail we would talk online (IM was huge) or on the phone. We were never a lets text three hundred times a day couple and we weren't calling every five minutes but every night we would make time to just catch up. So just take a second to talk - find out what each other likes, dislikes, dreams about, etc.
7. Don't listen to other's for a timeline in your relationship. Do what feels right for the two of you. There is no one-size fits all timeline. Inevitably if you've been dating for any length of time you'll get the: are you serious, are you getting married, are you moving in together, are you having kids... questions. Don't look at what your bff is doing or what the Jones's are doing down the street. This is about the two of you. If you want to get married in three months and have a baby nine months later - do it. If you want to date ten years then have a baby five years after getting married - do it. It's what works for you. You don't have to answer to anyone.
8. Do things together. Couple dates are nice and going out with friends alone are great but you need time to do couple things. There's nothing quite like a weekend away to learn about each other. He could be content for hours on the beach while you need ten magazines just to make it through five minutes. You could be big into sightseeing and he prefer the hotel bar. It's a great learning experience out of your natural habitat.
9. Stop looking. I know you're going to say all married people say it happened when I wasn't looking but I think it's true. People who are looking usually read desperate and no one wants to date desperate. K mentions it sometimes - he'll say X tries to hard. Or Y needs to slow down. Or look at that girl over there. Guys can sense desperation a mile away. So slow down and take a deep breath and stop looking. Have fun. Go out with your friends. Live life. Love will happen on it's own time. And it does just happen.
10. Know when to give up. This means know when a relationship is over. Know when to walk away from a fight. Relationships aren't all about winning. It's about letting go of the little things. I try to say that to myself everyday - does it matter if he leaves his clothes on the floor? I'd like to say I never ask him to pick them up but there are somedays when it's just not worth the argument. It really isn't hurting anyone. And on the same token, I know some couples that make each other absolutely miserable - why live like that? So know when it's just not worth it to win or start a fight and know when some relationships are past the point of saving.
11. There are no rules. What? There were just 10 other rules that said there were rules. Yes and some of them are probably true but each couple is different and what works for me might not work for you. Find what works for the two of you as a couple and do exactly that. Rules are meant to be bent or broken. So have fun and just relax.
So what are your "rules"? I'll try to think of more for next Valentine's day. :)
There are a lot of advice books and magazines out there all aimed at getting and keeping a mate (I say mate here because we're talking men or women but going forward we're going from my POV so we're saying bf). So here are my "rules" for dating and staying in love.
1. Be yourself. You're fabulous so why would you ever pretend to be anything different. The thing is you can pretend to be someone else but after awhile he's going to catch on. So don't lie and say you're a huge baseball fan when really the thought of going to a game bores you to tears and don't say you never shop when the mall employees know you by name. Be yourself and if he doesn't like you then he wasn't Mr. Right.
2. Be yourself but monitor yourself. What? I thought you just said I'm supposed to be myself in all my fabulous glory. Well, you are... sorta. Here's the thing - there is no reason on the first date or the first month to mention that you once were in a fan club for any TV show, that you don't floss your teeth daily, or that there are some days where you are perfectly content never to get dressed. Be yourself but don't announce all your crazy idiosyncrasies right away. He'll figure most of your quirks out eventually and you don't want to be dubbed the crazy cat woman of Match.com.
3. Don't be too busy. What? All the women's magazines proclaim you should make him work for it. You should prove how popular and fabulous you are by never being available. Sure and then he's going to dump your ass for a girl that has more time for him. One thing that has stood out to me on this subject is something K said a year into us dating. When we first met I was super busy, it was my second semester at college, I was in a few clubs, I was constantly doing things. I decided to drop one of the clubs (not because of him but other reasons) shortly after we started dating. Anyway... he said "I'm glad you dropped that club. I never would have asked you to but I felt like you never had time to do anything and it was frustrating." Guys want a chase but they don't want to chase forever. Slow down a bit. You don't need to see your bff every day of the week, you don't need to be involved in every activity that comes your way - learn to say no to everyone else and yes to him. This doesn't mean give up everything you love, just give up the things you only sort of care about.
4. Keep separate likes and dislikes. K loves sports. I like them more than I used to but sports and I have a happy tolerance level of I'll go to a few games a year and the rest of the time he can happily watch alone or with friends. I like to write and read. K probably hasn't read a book since college. Be your own person. You don't have to do everything together. I know in 3 I said not to be too busy but 4 is be busy enough. You won't have anything to talk about if you sit around and watch CSI together three days a week. So find that happy balance that only the two of you will know. It probably means some relationships and activities will suffer but the ones you really care about will stick around.
5. Don't play games. This is so super huge I don't know when girls and guys will learn. Games are for little kids not for adults. If you really like someone there is no three day rule to prove you're fabulous girl/guy about town with a life, there's no I can't call him this time because I called him last... There are no games because your relationship is more important than who can one-up the other person.
6. Make time to just talk. This is also a biggie for me. K and I pretty much launched our relationship long distance and every night without fail we would talk online (IM was huge) or on the phone. We were never a lets text three hundred times a day couple and we weren't calling every five minutes but every night we would make time to just catch up. So just take a second to talk - find out what each other likes, dislikes, dreams about, etc.
7. Don't listen to other's for a timeline in your relationship. Do what feels right for the two of you. There is no one-size fits all timeline. Inevitably if you've been dating for any length of time you'll get the: are you serious, are you getting married, are you moving in together, are you having kids... questions. Don't look at what your bff is doing or what the Jones's are doing down the street. This is about the two of you. If you want to get married in three months and have a baby nine months later - do it. If you want to date ten years then have a baby five years after getting married - do it. It's what works for you. You don't have to answer to anyone.
8. Do things together. Couple dates are nice and going out with friends alone are great but you need time to do couple things. There's nothing quite like a weekend away to learn about each other. He could be content for hours on the beach while you need ten magazines just to make it through five minutes. You could be big into sightseeing and he prefer the hotel bar. It's a great learning experience out of your natural habitat.
9. Stop looking. I know you're going to say all married people say it happened when I wasn't looking but I think it's true. People who are looking usually read desperate and no one wants to date desperate. K mentions it sometimes - he'll say X tries to hard. Or Y needs to slow down. Or look at that girl over there. Guys can sense desperation a mile away. So slow down and take a deep breath and stop looking. Have fun. Go out with your friends. Live life. Love will happen on it's own time. And it does just happen.
10. Know when to give up. This means know when a relationship is over. Know when to walk away from a fight. Relationships aren't all about winning. It's about letting go of the little things. I try to say that to myself everyday - does it matter if he leaves his clothes on the floor? I'd like to say I never ask him to pick them up but there are somedays when it's just not worth the argument. It really isn't hurting anyone. And on the same token, I know some couples that make each other absolutely miserable - why live like that? So know when it's just not worth it to win or start a fight and know when some relationships are past the point of saving.
11. There are no rules. What? There were just 10 other rules that said there were rules. Yes and some of them are probably true but each couple is different and what works for me might not work for you. Find what works for the two of you as a couple and do exactly that. Rules are meant to be bent or broken. So have fun and just relax.
So what are your "rules"? I'll try to think of more for next Valentine's day. :)
Friday, February 5, 2010
Dating Friends
No this isn't a relationship post... well not that sort of relationship post anyway. I want to talk about how you go about making friends or keeping the friends you have... Some magazine I read a while back compared meeting a new friend to dating a new guy. Their take was you have to "date" the friend just like you would the potential bf.
SP and I have talked about this so I'm not the only one who read this and was like "Um yeah that's exactly right." Basically meeting and keeping friends is the same as meeting and keeping a boyfriend or girlfriend -there's just no ring, white picket fence and dog at the end of it. But you will have years of memories to laugh about in the nursing home.
I will say from experience I have had potential friends "date" me that left me wanting to run for the hills. For example:
I've had the "jealous ex-boyfriend friend". Jealous was fine when I had basically no other friends but her. We were great. We would meet for dinner, chat about life, and were generally on the path to bff-hood. Then I met some new people. Suddenly I didn't have as much free time. I tried to include Jealous but she didn't want to come. We started to drift apart. Jealous would call me and ask what I was doing, was I hanging out with so-and-so again. She didn't think so-and-so liked her. On and on. I finally stopped returning her calls. I felt guilty about it but then I realized I didn't need the drama or the feeling I had to check in with her.
So what's a girl to do when she meets a fabulous potential new friend? You can't come on too strong and start planning your friendship out for years to come. You can't call constantly and invite said potential friend out every chance you get. But you can't hang back and wait for her to call you because what if she doesn't call?
My thought - you treat it like you would a potential new bf or gf. You "date" them. You want to be that fun, fabulous girl she can't live without. The goal is to be (like on a first date) a more fabulous version of yourself. She can find out all your bad traits later after your established. You go slow and figure each other out. Said potential friend might end up being totally not your type. Maybe you're into walks on the river, bottles of wine and cheesy TV and their more of the sitting in the recliner, drinking beer, and watching PBS type of girl. Or potential friend could be your new BFF and soon you give up on the games and the waiting three days to call each other because you can't wait three seconds to tell her all your good news.
Here are my ideas for some good "Friend" dates. Let me know yours and what you think!
1. Invite her out to grab a glass of wine after work. It's low key and you can easily skip out if things don't go well. If you find that you have tons to talk about stick around for dinner.
2. Do something active. Invite her to your Zumba class or for a walk. You'll feel good about yourself for doing something healthy and it's an easy way to get to know each other.
3. Invite her to participate in a shared interest. Say you both like to write (I say this because I do). Invite her to your writing group. She'll meet other people with similar interest and you could grab a coffee afterwards and catch up on all the fun stuff you learned.
4. Grab coffee before work. Again, it's a quick mini-date so you can get out of there if things are heading south. As an added bonus, you'll feel refreshed that you did something fun in the morning while everyone else was sleeping.
Things to avoid:
1. Movies - you can't talk. What's the point until after you're established.
2. Shopping - can be good and bad. She may love all your favorite stores or you may find yourself dragging around for hours to places you can't stand. My advice on this - eye up her wardrobe. Does she dress similar to you - you may have a new shopping companion. No? Then go alone.
3. Inviting her out with all your other friends to Saturday night bar crawl. Sounds fun - why would you not invite her? First off, you don't really know her and a crowded loud bar isn't the place to get to know someone. Second, do you really want to invite a potential weirdo to meet all your friends. Sounds shallow but wait until you know her a bit better and then invite her into the group.
SP and I have talked about this so I'm not the only one who read this and was like "Um yeah that's exactly right." Basically meeting and keeping friends is the same as meeting and keeping a boyfriend or girlfriend -there's just no ring, white picket fence and dog at the end of it. But you will have years of memories to laugh about in the nursing home.
I will say from experience I have had potential friends "date" me that left me wanting to run for the hills. For example:
I've had the "jealous ex-boyfriend friend". Jealous was fine when I had basically no other friends but her. We were great. We would meet for dinner, chat about life, and were generally on the path to bff-hood. Then I met some new people. Suddenly I didn't have as much free time. I tried to include Jealous but she didn't want to come. We started to drift apart. Jealous would call me and ask what I was doing, was I hanging out with so-and-so again. She didn't think so-and-so liked her. On and on. I finally stopped returning her calls. I felt guilty about it but then I realized I didn't need the drama or the feeling I had to check in with her.
So what's a girl to do when she meets a fabulous potential new friend? You can't come on too strong and start planning your friendship out for years to come. You can't call constantly and invite said potential friend out every chance you get. But you can't hang back and wait for her to call you because what if she doesn't call?
My thought - you treat it like you would a potential new bf or gf. You "date" them. You want to be that fun, fabulous girl she can't live without. The goal is to be (like on a first date) a more fabulous version of yourself. She can find out all your bad traits later after your established. You go slow and figure each other out. Said potential friend might end up being totally not your type. Maybe you're into walks on the river, bottles of wine and cheesy TV and their more of the sitting in the recliner, drinking beer, and watching PBS type of girl. Or potential friend could be your new BFF and soon you give up on the games and the waiting three days to call each other because you can't wait three seconds to tell her all your good news.
Here are my ideas for some good "Friend" dates. Let me know yours and what you think!
1. Invite her out to grab a glass of wine after work. It's low key and you can easily skip out if things don't go well. If you find that you have tons to talk about stick around for dinner.
2. Do something active. Invite her to your Zumba class or for a walk. You'll feel good about yourself for doing something healthy and it's an easy way to get to know each other.
3. Invite her to participate in a shared interest. Say you both like to write (I say this because I do). Invite her to your writing group. She'll meet other people with similar interest and you could grab a coffee afterwards and catch up on all the fun stuff you learned.
4. Grab coffee before work. Again, it's a quick mini-date so you can get out of there if things are heading south. As an added bonus, you'll feel refreshed that you did something fun in the morning while everyone else was sleeping.
Things to avoid:
1. Movies - you can't talk. What's the point until after you're established.
2. Shopping - can be good and bad. She may love all your favorite stores or you may find yourself dragging around for hours to places you can't stand. My advice on this - eye up her wardrobe. Does she dress similar to you - you may have a new shopping companion. No? Then go alone.
3. Inviting her out with all your other friends to Saturday night bar crawl. Sounds fun - why would you not invite her? First off, you don't really know her and a crowded loud bar isn't the place to get to know someone. Second, do you really want to invite a potential weirdo to meet all your friends. Sounds shallow but wait until you know her a bit better and then invite her into the group.
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