A Rose By Any Other Name...

Do names matter? I've always been curious about names. I'll Google name meanings, studying the list of popular baby names and because I write bought a baby name book that's not just the meaning of names but what people think when they hear that name.

K and I don't want to have kids yet but I've had a list of baby names going in my head for years. Names float in and out and names I liked at 12 - like Elizabeth - wouldn't make the top 50 now. I gravitate towards names that are unique, not-popular (anything in the top 100 of popular baby names makes me cringe) and slightly old-fashioned (names my great-grandmother and maybe even my grandmother would have loved). I loved Ava for the longest time until Ava cracked the top 10 list and I don't want my future daughter to be Ava X for the rest of her life. I guard my little list with a vengence and am fearful of telling anyone incase they steal my name (ala Rachel in Friends) - I may not need it for ten years but I want it there just in case.

This brings me to my point - I will read any story that talks about names. And today, CNN had a story asking "Does your name shape your destiny?". There are a lot of studies that say yes. One of the studies they cite talks about how babies with names that start with C or D do worse in schools than their A/B named counterparts. You have the question are the teachers just lazy or is little Colin destined to be worse at math or English than say Abigail. Another study found that women named after states (like Virginia for example) are more likely to move to their namesake. Coincidence? And in Freakonomics, the authors discuss naming - everything from what a child's named to the education level of the mother, to lower income and less educated people naming their child after what the middle class children who in turns parents named them after the upper class children.

So does your name mean anything? Lets take a non-scientific quiz of my own design for a second to prove a point... that at least you name will prejudge you. I'll write the name and you say the first thing you think of. You don't have to share. No one will judge but I bet you think of something for each one.

Tiffany
Amber
Floyd
Sandra
Fabio

Ok the last one was a bit of a joke. I doubt there are many baby Fabio's running around but you did get an image - right?

I like names. I thought of something different for each one in my list. Tiffany's parents are wanna-be's they fall into the same category of parents that name their kids Mercedes, Crystal, etc. Maybe at one point some rich person somewhere decided to name their child after a car but now all I can think of is someone whose trying to hard to be cool. Amber is probably a stripper along with her sisters all named after gem stones. Floyd makes me think of an over-weight older gentleman, probably a bit country. And Sandra is probably a middle aged woman.

To further prove my point that you prejudge someone based on their name. In college Bush was president and his two daughters are Barbara and Jenna. I'm sure they're both very nice girls. A friend and I were talking about it one day and he said something to the effect of if given a choice he would always take the blind date with a Jenna because a Barbara sounds like an unattractive librarian. According to him, Jenna sounded like a hot girl who likes to party. The thing is Jenna could be a plain Jane bookworm and Barbara a hot party animal but before they even walk into the door my friend had already decided who they would be.

So I do think that names mean something. I don't know if they shape your destiny. That if you're parents pick a weird name for you that you're destined to be a loser. But I do think people will judge you based on past experience or stereotypes. What do you think?

And if you're curious - here's a link to the top baby names of 2009. Congrats Jacob and Isabella you're parents love Twilight and there will probably be ten of your friends with the same name.

Oh Baby!

Ok so I think my post yesterday came across a little anti-baby and I'm afraid my mom might read it and have a heart attack or something. So here is what I'm going to say on the topic.

1. I don't hate kids. I just don't want any of my own right now.

I think a lot of people have kids without thinking it through (see Teen Mom, Sixteen and Pregnant for references). They're people that for whatever reason: poor planning, the biological clock is a ticking, whatever, that don't think through the whole baby thing and then the baby arrives and surprise - I didn't know babies stayed up all night crying, I didn't know babies costs more money, etc. It's like they live in this dream world and when the bubble breaks its up to everyone else to clean up the pieces.

So here's my thoughts on when you should/shouldn't have kids:

1. When you're unselfish enough to give up things you love so they can do things they love. This is big for me. Children, like dogs, have their own likes and dislikes. I can't force C to do things she doesn't want to do and it's not fair to her to lock her up 6 days a week so I can play with her for an hour on the 7th because it suits my schedule. A baby/child is the same way. This is a living breathing human being with their own needs, likes, dislikes, etc. You can't just keep running around doing exactly what you want to do with no thought to what they want to do. You have to sit through boring dance recitals and help them learn the Declaration of Independence. So if you have any ounce of selfishness still left - I don't think now is the time.

I know some people are going to argue that you'll change but most people I know don't change so....

2. You have money. My dad always says if you wait until you can afford it you'll never have kids. Yes, that's true. BUT if you're strapped for cash and don't know where your next meal is coming from then maybe you should wait a year or two to get back on your feet, save up some money. Come on, a year or two won't kill you and you'll probably be glad you waited. You'll be able to enjoy the baby more and stress about finances less.

3. You have to really want one, not do it because it's the "next step." I talked a lot about the plan yesterday. And I think a lot of couples think there are natural steps to a relationship. You meet. You date. You get engaged. You get married. You buy a house. Now what? I need a big life event that I can tell all my friends about.... oh I know let's have a baby. Stupid reason. If you're not ready a baby is not the next step for you at this point.

4. All your friends are doing. Great reason. And if all your friend's jumped off a bridge - would you? Don't let them peer pressure you into baby fever. Ask yourself - are you wanting a baby because holding theirs for two hours is super cute and fun and you can go to Mommy and Me classes together or do you want one because you really want.

5. You both want to take the baby plunge. I don't believe in tricking someone into have kids. You're going to end up with a resentful partner. So make sure - are you both on the same page.

There are probably more reasons but I don't have time right now. My main point is no one else can decide for you when is the right time. And they shouldn't peer pressure you into it because of some clock they have in their head. It's not that I hate kids. I'm realistic enough to know at this point in my life they don't make sense for me.

The Plan - Are you a follower or do you do you do your own thing?

Can I tell you something that annoys me the most? People asking about your relationship and not in a caring how are things going way but in a nosy next door neighbor way.

It never ends. When you're dating you're going to get the question - when are you getting engaged. When you're engaged - its when are you getting married. When you're married - it's when are you having kids. When you have a baby - it's when are you having more kids. Back the F off people.

Here's how the plan goes: Boy and Girl go to college. They meet at college or shortly there after. They both have successful jobs, nice places to live, lots of money, lots of friends. Shortly after dating (let's say 6 to 12 months) they're engaged. They quickly plan a wedding (within a year) and are married. They go on a fabulous honeymoon. They sell their bachelor pads and buy a house in the 'burbs with a picket fence and dog. Six months after they get married they happily announce with ultrasound photos or a Facebook post that they're expecting. They are quickly on their way to the 2.5 kids in no time.

Writing your own story is more of a chose your own adventure - you may or may not go to college, you may or may not meet "the one" right away, you may or may not get married, you may or may have kids.

People get very nervous if you don't follow the plan. They start to ask you questions. I've come up with a few reasons why they harass you... um I meant...ask you:

1. They're your close friends and family and generally care. These people if they ask constantly are still incredibly annoying.

2. They are just nosy as hell and want to know what you're doing so they can gossip to everyone else they know about you.

3. They want to feel better about their own choices.

I've timed it, you can date about a year maybe two (a little longer if you're in school) before people will ask when are you getting married. If you go longer than about four they're probably going to give up on you or ask with hints of desperation - "don't you want to get married?" Once you're engaged, if you don't set a date and start whipping out bridal magazines every chance you get - you're probably going to get "well when are you going to set the date." And once you're married you have about six months to a year before you will get "when are you having kids".

I've fallen safely into all three categories. Why? Because K and I choose the adventure path. We don't follow the plan of relationships. In our defense we met in college, our first years dating we were in school, living with parents, starting out etc. There are people from our graduating class who have already been married and divorced in the time it took us to get married. Now that we're married we're in no rush (REPEAT NO RUSH) to have kids. I have a four legged child (C) and there are nights I'm ready to give her back (love you C).

I was asked twice this weekend if I was having kids. I basically take this as "are you having unprotected sex?" It's just as nosy. If I could say anything I would answer with the following:

1. Smile happily and reply, "We're not having kids. As in ever. We hate them. They're like slobbery monsters that wreck your house, steal your money and you can never have fun again."

2. Break down crying. "We tried but we can't."

3. "I'm waiting until my twenty year supply of birth control pills runs out... wouldn't want to waste money."

4. "Why are you going to pay for them to go to college because I sure as hell can't afford it?"

5. "Thanks for reminding me. I knew there was something I forgot to do this year."

6. "Not anytime soon. So how's your sex life?"

7. "I've been watching so much Sixteen and Pregnant I think it's better to wait until I can afford it, am more prepared and not loving MTV shows about pregnant teens."

8. "Could you explain the birds and the bees to me... I think we're doing something wrong."

I'm sure I could think of other great comebacks but it's been a long day.

I think it's ridiculous that I got asked that question twice in one weekend. I know it was Valentine's Day and people are thinking love but I personally don't think of love and screaming infants in the same sentence. My biological clock is on snooze at the moment and is perfectly content living my kid-free selfish life.

So I don't want this to come across as me hating kids. I don't hate them. They're perfectly fine when they're someone else's. I'm sure eventually I'll want kids. But I don't like getting asked all the time about what we want to do. I felt the same way about the marriage question. It was just as annoying. Just as nosy. I finally started saying, we're committed but we're not planning anything yet. Or the defense teen approach - I don't know. I wasn't pushing for a ring. I was happy. What we had was working for us. Our adventure said not yet...

The thing with the kid question - I get it a lot more in the South then I ever did living up North. They were talking about the Baby question on Cosmo one day and they said they thought it was a regional thing. In NYC it's nothing for a first time mom to be in her late thirties, the girls proclaimed. In TX, she's probably considered an old maid and dried up by 25 if she's single and childless. I'm not going to say everywhere down South or in the Mid-West is pushing their daughters into a MRS degree. But I will say culturally small towns are probably more accepting of younger moms.

So here is my final thought. I know this is a long post. Have some tactic people. There are ways to ask the question. If you don't know the person a simple - "oh are you married yet? do you have kids?" will suffice. If you know them and you're just dying to know - it's ok to ask once or maybe twice.... but time it right - say you're watching a commericial with babies in it, a baby walks by, you see an engagement ring, you're at a wedding, etc. And if you ask and the person snaps back at you to mind your own business you can't be upset. The question is kind of nosy.