The Plan - Are you a follower or do you do you do your own thing?

Can I tell you something that annoys me the most? People asking about your relationship and not in a caring how are things going way but in a nosy next door neighbor way.

It never ends. When you're dating you're going to get the question - when are you getting engaged. When you're engaged - its when are you getting married. When you're married - it's when are you having kids. When you have a baby - it's when are you having more kids. Back the F off people.

Here's how the plan goes: Boy and Girl go to college. They meet at college or shortly there after. They both have successful jobs, nice places to live, lots of money, lots of friends. Shortly after dating (let's say 6 to 12 months) they're engaged. They quickly plan a wedding (within a year) and are married. They go on a fabulous honeymoon. They sell their bachelor pads and buy a house in the 'burbs with a picket fence and dog. Six months after they get married they happily announce with ultrasound photos or a Facebook post that they're expecting. They are quickly on their way to the 2.5 kids in no time.

Writing your own story is more of a chose your own adventure - you may or may not go to college, you may or may not meet "the one" right away, you may or may not get married, you may or may have kids.

People get very nervous if you don't follow the plan. They start to ask you questions. I've come up with a few reasons why they harass you... um I meant...ask you:

1. They're your close friends and family and generally care. These people if they ask constantly are still incredibly annoying.

2. They are just nosy as hell and want to know what you're doing so they can gossip to everyone else they know about you.

3. They want to feel better about their own choices.

I've timed it, you can date about a year maybe two (a little longer if you're in school) before people will ask when are you getting married. If you go longer than about four they're probably going to give up on you or ask with hints of desperation - "don't you want to get married?" Once you're engaged, if you don't set a date and start whipping out bridal magazines every chance you get - you're probably going to get "well when are you going to set the date." And once you're married you have about six months to a year before you will get "when are you having kids".

I've fallen safely into all three categories. Why? Because K and I choose the adventure path. We don't follow the plan of relationships. In our defense we met in college, our first years dating we were in school, living with parents, starting out etc. There are people from our graduating class who have already been married and divorced in the time it took us to get married. Now that we're married we're in no rush (REPEAT NO RUSH) to have kids. I have a four legged child (C) and there are nights I'm ready to give her back (love you C).

I was asked twice this weekend if I was having kids. I basically take this as "are you having unprotected sex?" It's just as nosy. If I could say anything I would answer with the following:

1. Smile happily and reply, "We're not having kids. As in ever. We hate them. They're like slobbery monsters that wreck your house, steal your money and you can never have fun again."

2. Break down crying. "We tried but we can't."

3. "I'm waiting until my twenty year supply of birth control pills runs out... wouldn't want to waste money."

4. "Why are you going to pay for them to go to college because I sure as hell can't afford it?"

5. "Thanks for reminding me. I knew there was something I forgot to do this year."

6. "Not anytime soon. So how's your sex life?"

7. "I've been watching so much Sixteen and Pregnant I think it's better to wait until I can afford it, am more prepared and not loving MTV shows about pregnant teens."

8. "Could you explain the birds and the bees to me... I think we're doing something wrong."

I'm sure I could think of other great comebacks but it's been a long day.

I think it's ridiculous that I got asked that question twice in one weekend. I know it was Valentine's Day and people are thinking love but I personally don't think of love and screaming infants in the same sentence. My biological clock is on snooze at the moment and is perfectly content living my kid-free selfish life.

So I don't want this to come across as me hating kids. I don't hate them. They're perfectly fine when they're someone else's. I'm sure eventually I'll want kids. But I don't like getting asked all the time about what we want to do. I felt the same way about the marriage question. It was just as annoying. Just as nosy. I finally started saying, we're committed but we're not planning anything yet. Or the defense teen approach - I don't know. I wasn't pushing for a ring. I was happy. What we had was working for us. Our adventure said not yet...

The thing with the kid question - I get it a lot more in the South then I ever did living up North. They were talking about the Baby question on Cosmo one day and they said they thought it was a regional thing. In NYC it's nothing for a first time mom to be in her late thirties, the girls proclaimed. In TX, she's probably considered an old maid and dried up by 25 if she's single and childless. I'm not going to say everywhere down South or in the Mid-West is pushing their daughters into a MRS degree. But I will say culturally small towns are probably more accepting of younger moms.

So here is my final thought. I know this is a long post. Have some tactic people. There are ways to ask the question. If you don't know the person a simple - "oh are you married yet? do you have kids?" will suffice. If you know them and you're just dying to know - it's ok to ask once or maybe twice.... but time it right - say you're watching a commericial with babies in it, a baby walks by, you see an engagement ring, you're at a wedding, etc. And if you ask and the person snaps back at you to mind your own business you can't be upset. The question is kind of nosy.