Going to the chapel and going to get married… but first… it’s all about the bride…zilla.

I try not to write about things happening in my life for fear that someone somewhere might get offended but today… well, I think it could be something everyone could relate to. Monday was going as planned until a friend of mine (let’s call her Bride) shot a group email out to her bridesmaids basically accusing us of not being her friends because we weren’t interested in planning or paying for parties for her. She then proceeded to kick us all out of the wedding while praising another bridesmaid (let’s call her Maid) for being the only one that cared. I was pretty much in shock.

Let’s rewind a bit…. A few months back I had sent an email to all of Bride’s bridesmaids and said hey – can’t wait to meet you… typical pre-wedding chatter, what are some of your ideas for the shower and bachelorette party. Maid responded with an email about trips to places like Vegas or Key West. Myself and a few other bridesmaids were a little taken aback. We were all for a fun girl’s weekend but the airfare and hotel for those types of places would kill us. I talked to Bride and she seemed shocked that Maid would write that to everyone and assured me she was fine with a beach trip somewhere more local or a night out on the town, etc. I wrote Maid back and she promised to look into other ideas and let us all know. Now at this point, to be fair, I probably could have offered to do the research or followed up with her, but she’s a big girl, I figured she would get back to us and I also felt like if she wanted help, she would let us know. So I dropped the issue. Bride’s wedding was a few months off.

So that brings us up to today. I get the email at 830 and like any friend (who can’t just call because of working in a cube), I swallowed my anger and typed back a respond all that I was sorry she felt that way, respected her decision but my budget would not allow me to go on crazy getaways but if she wanted to do something smaller we could do that and I was still planning on doing the shower, etc. A few minutes later, Maid responds that we don’t need to worry about it. She and Bride are going away together somewhere secret. Basically accuses us of being lazy bridesmaids that didn’t want to do anything other than go out in Richmond or VA Beach and puts everyone on blasts implying she’s the better friend and if we didn’t have the money we never should have agreed to be in the wedding. I’m sorry when did this become a bridesmaid competition? I swallow all the bile I want to type back at Maid – including where to shove her trip. And wait for Bride to respond. Which eventually she does… the thing is she never apologizes for the first email, or her rogue Maid’s email, her apology if we want to call it that was for the fact that we were bombarded with emails. And so this all leads me to the topic….

What is acceptable to expect of your wedding party?

Now we can go look at etiquette books about who does what, who pays what, etc. But let’s talk real world for a minute. I’ve been in two weddings, three if I count my own. And what is assigned by rules or etiquette to certain people and what actually happens are two different things. In my wedding, my mom and sister (matron of honor) threw my shower and no offense to my sister but it was at my mom’s so I’m assuming she took on the brunt of the work and costs. My bachelorette party was coordinated by all my maid’s but we stayed in my house, went out local, and instead of a limo (I had said it was too expensive) my pregnant sister drove us around in her jeep. But it was fine. It was more about being with my girls, hanging out, laughing, drinking, dancing… having fun. K – who I sent the email to – agreed with my just having fun with friend’s statement. His bachelor party was in NJ at his parent’s beach house but he said he never expected or asked any of the guys to pay for anything (of course with guy’s there is never even half the drama as with the ladies). It wasn’t a crazy Hangover style trip. My other wedding experiences – pretty similar. It wasn’t about what you could pay/give to the happy couple – it was about hanging out. My friend J in NJ her bachelorette party was dinner out with the girls and her shower – I couldn’t even make it because I had to drive home that day. And the thing I remember most about J’s wedding was she was always concerned with how much we had to spend. She let us pick the bridesmaid’s dress that we wanted and I selected a floor-length halter. When the David’s Bridal girl announced the price (I can’t remember now how much but I’m thinking $250 to $300) she kept asking if that was ok, did I want to look for something else, etc. Now we can’t all have as easy going of friend’s as J – although I wish!


My idea, and I could be off, for a wedding, is for the bride to take into account who her friend’s are before she sets her expectations for the pre-wedding celebrations (and even for that day). If you’re Jennifer Anniston and all your friends are multi-millionaires then yeah a week in Paris and designer bridesmaid’s dresses isn’t a big deal. If you’re an average Jane Smith and you’re friends are in their mid-late twenties with average jobs then maybe you need to scale back your expectations.

Your bridesmaids are your bridesmaids – they are there for you that day, to help with minor wedding planning, to help plan pre-wedding festivities, etc. they are not your servants or your punching bags. It’s simply not acceptable to turn all bridezilla on them and force them to cut their hair, get fake tans, lose weight, etc (I know this happens – I’ve seen the show Bridezillas and what those people put their so-called friends through is ridiculous).

Bridesmaids are expected to buy a dress that they will never wear again but said dress should be somewhat reasonable in costs. My experience is the dress is typically going to run with alterations right at or under $500. Bridesmaids are also expected to plan some sort of shower (although in my experience the mom’s and family typically help), some sort of bachelorette party, buy shoes for that day, although not a requirement hair and/or make-up for that day is usually expected. In addition, to any gifts, photos, etc.

And if the bride has a problem with a friend's behavior, pick up the phone. You liked them enough to ask them to be in your wedding so you should have the balls to call them when you have an issue. It's all about communication and I'm a firm believer that emails and IMs (and yes, blog posts) don't always do justice to what can be said face to face. You're much more willing to write things that you wouldn't dream of saying to someone's face and your words can be misread as being nastier than you meant.

Am I missing anything on expectations? What has your wedding experience been? Am I out of line on the trip?

As for the situation above... Maid, I've debated sending her a nasty-gram back but that serves no purpose and as S said - take the high road on this one. Lets just say if I ever do meet her I'm not planning to be BFF's and a cold shoulder might be in order. And as for Bride, I'm not sure what I want to do. I know weddings are stressful times and all the planning can make even the most level-headed bride crack every now and then but at the same time I feel attacked by Bride and Maid and an apology is in order. I've asked Bride to meet me for coffee to talk but as of yet she's refused and I've got a meeting in a bit so I can't call her tonight.

So today's lesson - brides be nice to your bridesmaids - at one point you were friends. And everyone out there, don't send nasty-gram emails in the heat of the moment because you might regret it later.