Grinches Attack By Phone

Grinches. The thought of one can send chills down your spine. A growing sense of dread beats in your heart. You steel your nerves and confront them.

I was all set to write about traffic Grinches today but alas they will have to wait for another odd day as today will be devoted to another Grinch.

I’m going to divide this Grinch up over two odd days (today: bad telephone customer service Grinch and Friday: bad customer service Grinch). Now you could argue they are one and the same but I’m saying if anything they are twins – equally annoying and aggravating but in the end separate beast. I know stores that have excellent customer service in their store but once you get them on the phone you’re talking to a third world country with a bad phone connection, limited English and no earthly idea about their products.

So The Bad Telephone Customer Service Grinch (TBTCS for short – mainly because I can’t write that out five times without getting a cramp)… what can you say. You know calling any major company you’re probably going to run into this Grinch. Not running into him and running into a Santa Claus instead is pretty rare. You want to leap through the phone and hug the person for the sheer fact that they are nice, helpful, speak English, and are not a computer. Now I want to say up front I’m not here to bash companies that outsource their customer service to other countries – I have dealt with companies that do this and still get excellent service (I’ve never had a problem with Capital One for example) but for the most part it’s the worse. It would be the same if they outsourced to the backwoods of Arkansas and you’re trying to decode an accent and local dialect. So it has nothing to do with where the person is and more to do with one’s ability to understand them and they you. That and my biggest pet peeve - bad customer service. If they had half way decent, trained customer service reps answering the phone they wouldn't even be a Grinch!

So let’s talk about what bad customer service looks like… even better I can give you examples. Against my better judgment I will leave out company names to protect them when really I want to shout from the rooftops that their staff needs better training.

Round One: Large Entertainment Provider vs. Poor Consumer
Calling re. product no longer getting reception.

Grinch: Thank you for calling xyz, my name is Bob, how can I assist you today?
Me: Hi Bob, my radio is no longer working and I was wondering what I can do to correct the problem.
Grinch: I can offer you a great deal on a new radio. 50% off. Today only.
Me (grumbling as Bob has now turned into a used car salesman): Thanks Bob. My old radio is ok but every now and then it gets full of static and asked to update channels.
Grinch: 50% is a great offer.
Me: I think it’s the antenna – can I buy a new antenna anywhere?
Grinch: Oh I’m sorry, we no longer make your radio. Would you like to buy a new one?
Me: No.
Grinch (actually turning into a Santa for a minute lowers his voice): Well, I could get in trouble for telling you this but you should try abc electronics.

Round Two: Large Department Store vs. Poor Consumer
Calling re. Department Store computer phone service calling me repeatedly about a delivery. I finally connect with a human after navigating a computer, being told I got connected to the wrong department and need to hang up and call again, getting disconnected and waiting for 30 minutes (not kidding) on hold.

Grinch: Thank you for calling Department Store. Please verify your phone number starting with the area code.
Me (thinking already did this twice with computer, once with Grinch who got disconnected. Smile.): Give phone number.
Grinch: Great and your full name.
Grinch: And your address.
Grinch: And what did you order?
Me (does she not have a computer that she can look all this up on? Seriously their security is better than my bank).
Grinch: And it shows here that you are set to get your appliances on Friday.
Me: Yes, I'm calling because your computer system keeps calling me. Yesterday it said Friday. Today it called and said it was delayed and wasn't shipping to the store until Friday.
Grinch: It says here Friday.
Me: Okay, well I just wanted to check...
Grinch rambles about having an 18 year old present and me getting a third call from the computer announcing the time on Thursday.
Me: I just want to make sure... I took a day off from work.
Grinch repeats the part about being 18 and the third phone call.
Me (frustrated): Okay, well see you Friday.
Grinch: Would you like a complimentary quote for a kitchen redesign?
Me (already having told another Grinch no): We're not interested.

Well I could go on and on but I'll probably only be amusing myself. Everyone knows dealing with a company over the phone is nothing short of pure hell. I push zero frantically hoping against hope an operator will pick up instead of reciting my name and phone number to a computer. I'm not sure how to rid yourself of this Grinch its a necessary evil and since most companies are about saving money over customer service I doubt it will go away anytime soon.